When you drop off of the blogosphere for 4 months after 8 years of pretty consistent blogging, it’s usually an indication that something is amiss. Possibly something absolutely amazing is happening, but usually it’s not good.
My absence was due to something not good.
It’s all very confusing and hard to write about, which is why I went mostly silent all over the internet. But I don’t feel like I can move on without letting you know what’s been happening.
In September, I moved out of my house because I became romantically involved with my best friend Rich. I genuinely did not see that as a possibility and prior to that time, nothing romantic had ever happened between us, but due to changes that occurred in our relationship coupled with realizations I had about my marriage to Jason, I made the decision to cross over from a platonic friendship to a romantic relationship with him.
Any time there is a breaking in a relationship, it is painful and difficult to talk about. It’s embarrassing to admit that you failed at something as important as marriage. But when you’ve written very publicly about your marriage and your friendship and had all of that change in what feels like an instant, it can leave you feeling almost paralyzed. How do you renege on everything you’ve said for years?
Originally, I wanted to delete my whole blog, or at least all of the things that I wrote specifically about my marriage or my friendship with Rich. One person demanded that I do so. At the very least, I was going to write this post and apologize for all of the things that I wrote in the past.
But I’m not going to do that.
I’m not sorry that I wrote those things. I believed them when I wrote them and they were true when I wrote and spoke them. They are a picture of who I was, and I think it’s important to remember my past. And there are things related to those topics that I still believe. Even after all that has happened, I still do not believe that approaching relationships with fear or suspicion is healthy or beneficial. I recognize that my actions negatively impact the discussion of cross-gender friendship or interfaith marriage, but I still believe that friendships between men and women can be healthy and that people of differing faiths can have a loving marriage.
But that does not mean that this post is without apology. I am sorry to those who may have felt used by me to promote something that I was not faithful with. I am sorry that I have broken a trust here and that dishonesty with myself translated into a dishonesty with you. I’m sorry for the damage that my actions have done to damage the integrity of the discussion about cross-gender friendship and interfaith marriage.
When everything came crashing down suddenly and I felt like a giant liar, I spoke to a dear friend and fellow writer, and she shared something that Derek Webb said about writing autobiographically. He said, “…it’s okay if things change from when you first wrote about them, you just have to keep updating the story.”
It doesn’t fix everything and it won’t answer all of the questions, but that thought helped a little bit when I was trying to figure out how to write this post.
Relationships are incredibly complex, probably more complex than I ever realized. I’m not going to go into details about why I left at this time out of concern for all involved, but I have certainly come away from this with a greater respect for the intricacies of relationships.
There will likely be more updates that happen over time, though I’m not sure if they will be in this space or elsewhere. For right now, I would simply ask that you hold our children, our exes, and the two of us in your prayers.